A Different Drummer

I grew up with a father who never allowed me to look down on anyone because they were different. As a child, whenever I criticized someone for being "weird," or "a freak" my dad would say, "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the beat of a different drummer. Let him march to the beat he hears, however measured or far away." Honestly, when I was a kid I thought my dad was just crazy. I was very embarrassed when he would utter this quote in front of my friends. Now, it all makes sense to me.

Everybody "does life" their own way. No two people look at the world and everything in it the same. No one should ever feel bad for being themselves, no one should ever feel guilty for who they are. Obviously there are some restrictions, rules of society, and biblical guidelines (for christians) that must be recognized. However, generally speaking, people should be free to live their way.

I am one of those people who can sit quietly in a room of strangers and just observe them, for hours. I do not feel awkward being in a group setting and being completely silent, just listening to those around me. Unfortunately sitting there silently often makes other people feel awkward, so I am forced to be social. It's not like I'm creepy, I just think people are very interesting. I like to hear what other people have to say, much more than I'd like to hear myself speak.

I guess you could say that I enjoy discovering which drummer's beat other people are hearing. Personally, I really don't know which drummer creates the beat I hear. All I know is that I enjoy finding people who's drummer beats similarly to mine. All of that to say, I "doe life" my way, and I don't care if other people do things differently.

Yes, and No.

I am at the point in my life where I have to make decisions, big ones. I hate making decisions. Even when I know exactly what I want, I still hate making the decision to do whatever it is. I don't like to be responsible for what happens to me, or to anyone else. If I make the decision, it's my fault if something goes wrong.

Perhaps I have made too many decisions that went wrong. Or perhaps, I made only one decision that went so terribly wrong that I have been traumatized from ever making a decision again. I really don't know.

Certainly my past should not effect my present, whatever decisions I have made in the past should stay there. After all, I am not the same person I was yesterday, let alone years ago, when I was a foolish child. Yet my past decisions do alter my present ones. Every "yes" I said then, echoes in every "no" I say now. I can't stand that about myself.

I would like people to think that the person I am now is a million miles a way from the person I used to be. I would like that to be true, though I cannot decide if it is.

Head, meet wall.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but for some reason I can't stop being an idiot sometimes. I hate myself when I'm stubborn and stupid. I don't like being selfish, I make myself sick. Even when I improve, it still doesn't go away. I am human, I am weak, I am sorry.

I'll probably delete this later

I created this blog assuming no one would ever read it....This is the place where I put my thoughts, my real, true, unedited opinions about the world around me. The things I write here are things I do not tell anyone. Not that they are necessarily bad or hurtful things, just things I have learned and realized for myself, not for anyone else. So, what's the point of putting them on a blog? Honestly, I really don't know. All I know is that I like the idea of putting my thoughts out there on the internet, it's a good way of letting go of all of them.

Most recently, I have learned this:

"Perfect" is a stupid word, reserved for delusional people and hopeless optimists who can't see their hand in front of their face. Anyone with any kind of realistic perspective on life knows that "perfect" isn't even a standard worth striving for. So don't think I ever expect anyone to be perfect, because I know better. I don't want to be treated perfectly, I just want to be treated well. What I really don't want is to be treated carelessly. I don't want to feel like an after-thought because people assume I will always be around. I have no problem leaving, suddenly, with no warning. I have done it before, I am not afraid to do it again. That being said, I don't plan on going anywhere, I just want to know that you're working to keep me here.